Day 8 Radiohead:In Rainbows

I feel good, I am feeling a lot more positively about being pure, I still have a lot of residue and I am still a big sinner, but I am working on it. 1 Thessalonians 4:3-4 pretty much talks about abstaining from Sexual Immorality is God's will for your life. I am slowly putting this truth into action and taking heed to the call. I appreciate things better, my self-control is becoming stronger and when I think about things that are naturally wanting me to punch someone in the face, I feel that I would be better able to control urges while being celibate and Immaculate in Sexual activity, or in other words without it.

I feel my face becoming clearer in the mirror, I like what I see more often when I look at myself. I have been getting some urges to feed my desires but I don't and I thank myself every time I don't. I have a lot of energy that usually gets put into thinking and enjoying intellectualism like creationism, science, and different televised education programs. I am better able to reflect on the thoughts and think about how the world was made and just use my brain for entertainment on other levels rather then exasperating all my energy into fantasizing and producing an orgasm, which i am guessing uses a lot of energy, which is why a lot of people are quite fag in their stature, they put all their energies into expelling them into sex. I think of it as my life force, libido and creative drive, by harnessing it and capturing it i can bottle an extreme amount of potential and use it for greater things, and it is god's will for my life, so it's like God gave it to me for this purpose, possibly?

I am still looking for jobs, when I was on the streets the other day, I didn't think about sex, but I prayed and sought out God a lot, mostly for comfort and protection, also to see him better, I think about Going to heaven and pearly gates and it might be that he will send me to Hell, but I am holding onto the confidence that I am forgiven and already a member of heaven, it's a good thought and I think if you hold onto that you eventually will live up to it in every way, which is why the forgiveness of Jesus Christ is so revolutionary, it doesn't have condemnation in it. God accepted me the way I was, but he didn't leave me where I was, he LOVES me enough to take me further and correct all that I had incorrect and transform me into a better person who can love more, better and better able.

If I were to talk to someone about being pure from sex, I would want to tell them that it isn't an easy idea to get through the minds of people, you have to believe it is what you want inside of yourself before you express it to the world, because a lot of it will fight you the whole way, not wanting you to be pure.

My past experiences have given me a lot of thoughts that the world hates my purity and will do anything to destroy it, and in very keen, cunning ways it has happened. A lot of my experiences in Holiness and attempting to be pure and right with God were very thwarted by the constant battle with masturbation, I look back and think of masturbation as a sort of protective shell that was keeping me in myself and self centered for protection from something, I am not sure what but it was a way of God keeping me with himself and I only.

But now, I am very aware of others and becoming much more non-self centered and it is an affect of being pure,  I can relate better to others, think of others more, and I have a lot more energy, I also get to see peoples hearts instead of looking at them as pieces of meat, or myself as a piece of meat.

I still have a lot of residue with my sexual purity, I am not always pure but I do try my best to be it, I know I am not right with God, but I do know that in his time he will make all things new and train me into what he exactly wants me to be, as it is written, I am not what I shall be, I am being made new, I am a new creation in Christ Jesus.

I love music, I listen to it a LOT, I find more beauty in it, I have a lot more love for others, my "ID" as Freud would say is being changed into a life force which I use for Love. I use my Love to express all my soul through whatever medium it may be, and my soul is a lot more colorful being pure. I feel a lot more sacred and I don't feel worn out or faggish, I feel like the purer I get the stronger I become, better able to face any battle, I feel that I am being strengthened, knowing I won't fail.

I am more aware to my body, and becoming much more SOUND in thoughts, attitude, reflection, self analyzation, I feel I am becoming something for a big cause. I use to dream a lot about self denial and self sacrifice for God, I used to dream about Martyrism and how it would be such a battle to have to literally die for something you believe in. If these thoughts are true, and I am called to be a martyr for God, I have to remember it would be a privilege and I would be rewarded in Heaven, and that God wouldn't call me to do anything I wouldn't be able to do, he will help me through anything he puts in my way, knowing I can accomplish whatever it is.

When I am alone, I am much more at peace, and am filled with more abundant Joy, when I eat, I am filled with more Joy, when I do things, I am filled with more joy and confidence. When I apply for jobs, i am much more confident and know that if I don't get the one I want, I'll just keep looking, I don't feel to defeated nor do I think I will break, I am thinking and trying more of enhancing and fixing my body, by stretching, eating right, and being healthy, it isn't a strive but more of a natural reaction, I am more aware of my sacredness as a being made from the earth with life breathed into it from God, and I am much more aware of the life around me that the maker and being in the whole atmosphere is in everything, I think much more about spirits and spirituality and how there are other forces guiding us, it may even be evident in the fact of the polar forces at work in our earth. I think about the possibilities of life beyond me and earth, the more I get holy and into the form god created me to be, like a little child who doesn't have sexual desire, I can dream, wonder, and think with truly great thoughts. I don't have to be depressed and my emotions are much more healthy, I get sad, I think the thoughts through and I come through to the other side of where it is supposed to be, I don't bottle of feelings or emotions but rather process them as they happen, same with the sexual ones, I let them happen, but do not have to act on them and in that way itself I am being healed, maybe when I gave into them, I was actually causing more pain than if I just let them happen and moved on passed them.

Sometimes it gets hard, the feelings get overwhelming and very powerful, and I feel like I have to "let off some steam" but, I like this analogy, "If you are filled with a lot of steam, why not become a strong steam engine..." in that fact lots of our industry was built and powered. Who knows, maybe eventually you might change your energy into a more powerful, like coal, then gasoline, then eventually nuclear energy, then eventually you, I can become a powerhouse of power and strength, all by harnessing the power god naturally gave you that a lot of people waste with porn, sex, media and indulgence. Indulging all the time is just as bad as killing yourself, you trade your humanity for a piece of meat.

I am becoming sacred, holy like, and very organic, and I love it.

Day 7

I am working hard at staying pure, I still smoke ciggarettes and I have refrained from sex, I don't feed any Sexual appetite, and it's been really good so far.

I got kicked out of the house I am living at because I brought up the idea that the Conviction I was given about me watching porn wasn't true and they really didn't know what I was watching. I was angry and felt like they were trapping me in something to condemn me somehow. I ended up confronting them and got kicked out. I now am back at the house after a day of being out on the streets, and well... IT SUCKED. I haven't been so uncomfortable and lost in a long time, I prayed a lot and eventually God led me to some great people who advised me to ask for forgiveness and come home. So I did. I also learned how important Eye Contact is, and how much people are turned off if you don't give it to them.

I haven't had many urges, but I do feel like it boost's my ego by not having sex, like i have this bubble inside of me that expands, especially around others. I am a very sexual person, though I am not. it's like, deep inside, I know Sex isn't really important, especially for friendships, but I do know that with my wife, If I were to have one, I would remain celibate before marriage, in hopes that it would create a better sex life for the rest of my life, with the one person I was intended to have it with.

I feel Good, I am looking for a job so hopefully I can channel my energy in my job search direction. I am reaching upwards for strength and promise that I am called to be Sexually abstinent and pure as it is God's will for my life.

I didn't think much about Sex while out in the baking florida heat, but rather I thought about shelter, jobs, money, water, food, ciggarettes, Love, and togetherness, Sex was the least of my cares and if it were the first, I do not think I would survive, especially if i wasn't purely just using it as a tool to suck off of the person giving to me. Maybe a lot of people have sex with others, because they need something from them and the only way that person will give it is by Sex, and even after they don't give.

I don't think a lot of  people like me, especially when I am not giving into my temptations, I think they assume that I am full of ego and stuff or whatever, I just sense this feeling of disdain when I meet people and it is really discomforting on my goals, but there are a lot of things that WE HUMANS don't talk about, especially in society, so I could not bring this up for fear of me looking stupid, fear of others feeling stupid, fear of risking relationships, I don't say things because they can damage myself, and others. I want to build people up, and put a stone in them, GOD. not only to build them up then break them down, but build them up with a structure that will last.

I think a lot about other things when sex isn't a priority on my list, like Major things become more important and least important things because trivial. and the trivial is just there because it's for your entertainment.

Day 5

I am on
DAY: 5


Of my journey out of Sexuality, I am feeling really good and strong right now, I am also very tired. So I am going to go to sleep after this. I am finding a lot of differences in my attitude towards life.


I see people differently, It's like Sexuality and giving into sex really makes the lenses that you look through life smudged and fogged. I can see clearly now the rain is gone would be a good song to describe the difference between purity and being sexually active. I have been tempted a lot to feed sexual thoughts, I have been denying them and I can feel instead of them being harnessed in my pubic area, the feelings of intimacy and love instead move more towards my heart rather than my penis. In other words, I have a greater love for people and I feel better capable of being the person I was created to be.


I haven't been tempted much with any sexually explicit media, mostly because I didn't watch a lot of mainstream t.v. today, but I am sure next time I do it will be much more of a temptation to think sexual thoughts.


I wanna hold conviction on the argument that C.S. Lewis used when talking about morality and sexuality. He noted a contradiction to the phrase "Feeding your Sexuality is just like feeding your stomach, everyone needs it to survive..." This is a sad theory, considering all of the problems that are associated with sex including; Retardation, S.T.D'S, a long list of negative things like, Murder, Envy, Lieing, that are associated with what the bible has to say about sex, and it is in direct contradiction to what the bible say's in 1 Thes. 4:3 "It is God's will that you should be sanctified: Avoiding any Sexual Immorality." If the bible be true, then even feeding a sexual desire prior to marriage would be acting against the will of God, our Father, Maker, and Creator. So where does this leave that theory? Well, Lewis spoke out against it claiming that If it be true, then why aren't there Porn for Food's like there are for Sex? well there is it's called the Food network, but besides that, I do believe that it is good to be Holy, for it is written in the New Testament, and much in there isn't harmul whatsoever. So where does it leave me?


I know for fact that much sex can lead to a person being "Fagged", worn out and just lazy. Feeding your sexual desires leads to poor health, negative self image, and just general poor association with the world around you, you become self-centered. In my argument that being "Pure" and "Holy" especially in the areas of Sexuality, which I am most concerned with... Paul and apostle for Jesus Christ the Son of God wrote this in Galations 5:19 "Now the works of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity, depravity, 5:20 idolatry, sorcery, hostilities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish rivalries, dissensions, factions, 5:21 envying, murder, drunkenness, carousing, and similar things. I am warning you, as I had warned you before: Those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God!" I can say that living in sexuality, I have experienced a good vast majority of all of these, and I can agree that if Sex is what caused these things are true, but it is labeling  one thing another, like why is the earth here? Because God made it of course! in parallel, Why did I only become friends with a clique? Why was I angry? Why did I do drugs? Why was I insecure? Why did I have a poor self-image? Why did I hate modern people? Why did I have so much hatred? To be Honest, it was me bowing down to Satan any and every time, similar to now when I do the same thing and if I sin again, the same equation will play out.


I do find that living without sin as much as possible is a very hard life, that usually ends in failure, but... IT is rewarding attempting. I have gotten stronger as I stayed pure, as I marched forward attempting to break any addictions I have held, I did grow. Right now, I am tempted with Sex, Lawlessness, and Gluttony mostly. I smoke ciggarettes, I honestly don't enjoy them much, and they are something I am quitting from here on out as well. I vow not to, though it is written, "don't make a rash promise to God you will later regret" I do believe God understand my heart and looks past my words, I hope he will give me what I need rather than what I ask, especially if it be selfish.


I hope as I move on, I will be leveled in my temptations and that I can look through life in a clearer scope. I also hope and pray that I will be much more sound and whole as my body reworks itself out into it's natural shape and way of working. I do know that I haven't made a bad decision to be pure the rest of my life, let's just hope it isn't a bad Promise, after all, I am lucky to be alive today. I pray that when I get in Heaven, God will overlook my relapse's and failures. as hillsong said "A thousand times i've failed, still your mercy remains, should i stumble again, still i'm caught in your grace", the bible also says, "when you live a godly life, even your enemies will be at peace with you."


I am getting back on my path towards Godliness, I am quitting smoking, attempting to avenge my old self and be all I can, as Good and Perfect as possible, God's help all things will happen. I feel closer to God the more pure I remain. I will stay on the Path, only because God wills it, I am alive only because God wills me to be.

Radiohead

Day: 3 w.o.

I've been tempted a lot today to be Sexual, but I am not repressing the thoughts and actions, but rather just admitting them and giving them up, I don't have to feed them, so I don't and plus I am supposed to be pure, so giving into them would be denying my True nature of what I am supposed to be like.

The more I don't give in to them I become like a big fire hydrant getting ready to explode, but I gotta stay positive about it, if I feel like it is too much pressure, then I'll give up on myself, and I already made the decision to stay pure MY WHOLE LIFE. So I am going to stick with it. I'll suture up eventually, I think open sexuality is like a wound that needs healing, and it takes time to heal, so I am not hoping for anything Soon.

I just got done watching Radiohead: The King of Limbs (from the basement) and it was an awesome show, their music sounds just as good if not better live. I find a greater appreciation for art and stuff when I am pure, with a defiled heart, it's just mambo jambo, but I see things clearer. I've been thinking a lot more, and my thoughts are much more active, my self-image and self attitude is also greater and more powerful, I do feel like I can do anything right now and be anything.

I need a job, maybe I can fuel my energy towards getting one, it's also sunday, I've been waking up real late, I need to get my sleep cycle back on track. I also need to do a lot of things, Like get into school if I am going and get all my stuff from my ex-roommate.

5:12 A.M.

I keep seeing that people who grow up as footballers are much different in their attitudes, philosophies, and ways of holding themselves than those who grow up as PUNKS, or SKATEBOARDERS.


God's will for my life is to be Sexually Abstinent.


So, I see I grow up as I stay pure, I don't have a feeling of being under people, I actually feel equal, or superior to people, especially those opposing my views and idea's. I get much more consecrated in my own views and way's of view's, I hate it and love it, Love because I am confident in what I know, Hate it because I may know all that's is wrong, and I am becoming very CONCRETE in what I view and think, but I talk and take in a vast majority of views, the goal is to continue, therefore I can become sure of what I know, and confident in what I know to be TRUTH.


Yeah, so I haven't been tempted much today, Honestly, I haven't been stimulated much, Sex hasn't been much in my life today, well, yesterday, but I haven't slept yet. I view myself in Stage 1 or 2 again.


I feel good being pure, I feel strong, I feel confident, I feel on top of the world and that I can take on a lot of the challenges that will be thrown my way. I hope that I can handle all I do. this confidence is good, considering Paul said "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" Phillipians 4:13

"Before children, even the most cynical people throw down their usual masks and become capable of feeling the purity and love which all human beings seek."- Sun Myung Moon 


"It is astonishing what force, purity, and wisdom it requires for a human being to keep clear of falsehoods." - Margaret Fuller 


I don't care what anyone say's, I am grateful for who I am and for the upbringing I had, no matter what it entailed, it made me who I am and what I am is full of it, Full of Love. Any Love I have, I attempt to give it to those who need it.

Day One: Journal

I haven't been pure for more than three days, but prior I have gone months, and though they were some of the most difficult times of my life when dealing with Self-Discpline, they have also been the most rewarding. My connection with God increases and is a lot more real, I have been able to view life through spectacles very pure and without any stain, My outlook on life increases to a much more positive one and I feel I can do anything without doubt of myself. In general, I feel the way I was made to feel, Really, Really Good!

But with freedom comes a cost. The closer you get to a celibate life, the harder it gets, everything nags at your attempts and thwarts at your battle, the enemies become larger, and more numerous, people always preach about how you are wrong, people condemn you for your Purity and Everything around you and sometimes within you will want to DESTROY ANY HINT OF PURITY within your soul. I haven't gotten past this stage where I win, usually I lose the battle, but Phillipians 4:13 "With God ALL things are possible." I know i'll reach the point of ultimate Sexual Freedom and I will no longer be bandaged by any trace of sexuality.

I also feel that if life wasn't a battle, it wouldn't be worth it to win. So in my journey, I also come to the realization that it is Good to fight, it is good for one to strive to protect his/her own views of Purity and sacredness of themselves, it is good to battle for anything that is right, pure, lovely, true, excellent and worthy of praise, it is good because it is something worth fighting for, and to that I leave today. With hope of a continued win and if God will, another day...

Till Next time, or In Heaven.

Dear Friend,
Tay.

Day One

For anyone who knows me, they know that I am a horrible Completer of tasks. I start many things but rarely finish them. I'm not going to beat around the bush, I am starting a life of celibacy TODAY, and I am going to stay Celibate, until I DIE!

In an attempt to STARVE my sexual desires, and ultimately KILL them, I know this will make me stronger.

Today: (Sat.) July 23rd, 2011

2 Day's without any Sexual activity.

ME:
I feel great, I feel as if I should quit smoking, of course I won't for a while. I almost got hit coming home from Target because people suck at driving and I was on a bike. I have for about 3 years attempted to remain celibate, the longest being about 3 months. Every time I have always found a way to give into temptations, what usually induces the relapse is negative self attitude and views towards my goal of being celibate.

Like I said before, I haven't been Sexual in about 4 days, so I believe I am still very much a minor threat to my adversary of the spirit world that attacks and thwarts any attempts at being Holy. We will see as the day's proceed how hard it gets. From past experiences, right before you reach , "The Peak" of sexual perfection, you usually have the hardest time with the most doubt, frustration, negative feelings toward goal, against stream views, road blocks, people who disagree, manifestation's of impulses, and lack of interest, but in this Blog, I will use it as a road guide, and tour guide to feed my Goal and I will not fail myself. Not this time, not after so many tries.

Guide to past attempts (generally after a relapse of sexual abstinence)

1. Hope (Feelings of Hope towards a life of Celibacy, causing action taken) days 1-3 days
2. Excitement (Feelings of Freedom and New Found Joy in steps being taken) days 3-5
3. Opposition (Beginnings of Oppostion due to Negative Spiritual torment, Opposed Human views, Sexual Media, Sexual Frustration, and Honestly in General, life gets harder)days 5- weeks
4. The Battle (Much battle with Temptation, Doubt, Inner-conflict, Frustration, Sexual Thoughts, Sexual Media, Sexuality in general)
5. The Choice (This is the point when you generally give up, for me it's been when I reach about 3-5 months, I just give up and think it is pointless, or give in somehow, in other words, I stopped keeping watch and gave in due to laziness and much subtlety of the devil's scheme) -------haven't gotten past stage 5---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------                                        
6. The Peak (This is the top of the mountain, you reach a point of "swimming of stream" and you finally reach the lake you have dreamed, hoped, and worked SO hard for. at "The Peak" I will look back at all the progress I have made, and be very, very thankful that I tried SO hard to reach the point I am at)
7. Body Mastery (This is the ultimate goal and Destination to reach, Complete Self Mastery, my body becoming my own personal slave, every temptation, feeling, thought, impulse will be mastered by myself), 

I believe from Stage 7 (Body Mastery), I and anyone will reach the goal God intended us to be in which is a state absent from Media Influence, Insecurity, Weakness, and defeat. From this stage we will be the people we were intended to be, Truly Holy, and Truly un-affected by anything negative, this is the form we will take in Heaven, therefore it is good to attain Holiness on earth.

Throughout my past journey's Abstinence/Celibacy have brought me into a deeper connection with God and the world he created, I interact with it better and my view's are much more clear. My eyes have become very pure and undefiled and I have grown in strength both Mentally, Physically, and Spiritually. My overall progress in life is better and the most growth I have ever experienced occurred while being Pure.

Wish me luck all, and most of All Phillipians 4:13 "I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME"