dreams:Mike sampson, Johnny, sean porter, hot blonde

I'm still pure,
I had a dream last night that i was with tom and jerico and we were joking about what mike sampson was saying. we used, well they used to always have these jokes based off of words and stuff that were used, they still do, it's really funny. and well... mike sampson kept saying somehting, like, "why is mike always word for word" "why is mike so literall" and jerico would laugh about it, the kind of laugh that just wanted to get others to laugh. I  kept trying to remember in the dream exactly what went on, but all i came to figure out was that all that mattered is that the experiences happened, i am thankful and have a good heart when looking back on those times. we were in some back of warehouse place, probably where we used to skateboard, and it was me tom and jerico, i don't remember anyone else, those were mostly the kids i spent time with when i was in my teenage years. I was a punk little boy I liked cool music and skateboarded, smoked ciggarettes, pot and did drugs. I wasn't in a dangerous place, but i was in a place where it supported my lifestyle.

I had another dream prior to this one and i had a girlfriend we met somewhere in the school i was in, i climbed up an elevator and eventually made it to the top, i was with a friend and while we traveled i met a sarah borum looking girl, we met and talked the other kid eventually dissapeared, after a while the girl and i hung out and went to my brothers house that was on a hill, and i got inside of the house with the girl and got to hang out with a cat, as i hung out with the cat, it followed me around and became very attached to me, which is wierd considring cats aren't like dog's, i remember thinking, oh, shit, this isn't my dog or cat, and i can't keep it, i ended up moving next door into a shitty little hosue, there were others there and the girl was stillwith me, by this time she was hanging on my back like a back pack, she turned into the sexy blonde girl and was really good looking, she was in the corner with me just hanging out and i turned to her and she began to cry about something, lightning shaped from her and i imagined why she was upset, it seemed intentional for her to cry but eventually i found out they were real tears, the best i could help was just to look her in the eyes and wonder, i didn't attempt to comfort her or anything like that cuz i used my brain to instead. I ended up gonig from there to the car with jerico, or a party with them.

Somewhere in between this mess i turned from hanging out with Katie Cascio who put on a lot of make up and turned into Sarah Borum look a like, I went from place to place and it is interesting how the transitions took place, for instance i went from... also i saw a kid i went to highschool with in roanoke, at first he was hunter barnes and he showed me a "king of limbs" t-shirt he had, i was stoked on it and asked if i could have it knowing he wouldn't give it to me. I was with my g.f. at the time while we visited, and i saw hunter and his dad talking, they lived in the shitty house next door underneath my brothers, While i was in there katie and i hung out eventually we went outside and there we met a lot of other people, the atmposphere was dark, like a  trailer park at night, thuogh i wasn't afraid i had a lot of emotions of apprehensiveness and prudenceness, I along with others and eventually i saw erin, galen, and levin inside of a radiohead album, where my mom introduced them as some chicks. I for once saw them as girls, it was odd... we made a tank out of like sand and kitty litter and as we produces it it actually had a real plastic frame, I remember the boy was the one who gave us the incentive to complete the task, he was one of those boys who always wanted to be lifted up, though he knew there was no point and when the time would come, he would lift others up to do things without a point, such as building a tank out of kitty litter and clay, I saw him inside while he was sleeping, it's cool to see that he was at first hunter but changed into another boy. I saw him and smiled a huge smile as i left and went to the uphill route towards my bro's house. I remember with my bro it was always stand off between him and i and his wife was like a bag he bought at the store. or a piece of sale item, there wasn't any real soul in the house, besides the kitties and i always wanted to take em with me though i had no way of taking care of it. as i walked into the house, the cats always swarmed to me, some in particular and i remember trying to get rid of it, though i loved the attention, I couldn't just get rid of the cat. I ended from there to a pool where a sexy blonde with the best body was swirling around a pool on a paddleboard and was followed by even better lookign girls, somehow i got to sit next to the first blonde who all of the boys were very hyped about, when i sat with her, she made tears that looked like lightning bolts and here eyes were shaped like such, i think she came from the trailer park place i was at... "i also had another dream about being in roanoke once, it was I'm not in the mood to type anymore. I want a ciggarette, and food for my stomatch hurts. I also had a lot of times in dreams last night with different bands, and Sean Porter had a party in fact two or three, and he never invited me to any of them. i do remember though he came out with this AWESOME zylophone/keyboard solo and it was the most epic solo i had ever heard and then he welcomed everyone to his party. it was at a kroger and there were these apples everywhere, i kept eating this apple/grapey fruit all the time and people kept looking at me as if i wasn't supposed to be there, And i am pretty sure i wasn't but i was really hugnry, the idea of the party was that you could eat anything in the store and get whatever you wanted as sean and like katie mcguire were the leaders in the music revolution. I can't remember much but i'll say i jsut went from there to tom's car where we talked about mike sampson, and i just listened to the two laugh. It was great.

THOM YORKE

I keep posting and realizing that the days don't matter anymore, I'm staying pure the rest of my life and that's it, i just feel so good and confident and strong and really feel as if god will take me through everything, I got trapped down the road today because my car ran out of gas and I almost died cuz of heat, dehydration, lack of food and energy. I eventually mustered up enough energy to leave a note on my car begging for authorities not to tow it and I made it to the gas station where I bought a gas tank and gas (money i was supposed to buy groceries with) but sometimes you have to make choices in order to survive. I feel good, I feel like sex has really devistated my life in many ways i don't know and hopefully don't want to know cuz that would only bring about regret, but I do look forward to all i have in store in the future.

I have been listening to a lot of radiohead and I like them alot for some reason, i feel as if the lyrics are someone detrimental to my growth as a christian, but I feel strong enough in my faith that any anti-christ attitudes are only going to deminish the lies and fill me up with alll the truth i can muster. I don't know, but i do know that I am in very serious judgement with god and all i have is jesus christ as my hope. I hope he lets me into heaven, but aside from that, I do feel the need to express that i really want to get a lot of vinyls, a hope and want i have created and am going to keep on approaching, I just got a job dishwashing at a retirement home and i am excited about working there, although all my money will be going towards an accumulated debt of about 1,000.000 dollars i owe, i feel that I am going to pay that off relatively quickly and i'll soon have enough money to make it into my own apartment where i can start building a life for myself, i also intend on placing money towards a retirement fund for i will be retiring many years from now, but it's good to invest while i can, perhaps i will go to school for cooking and become a chef, i love cooking after all.

I feel that i should quit smoking, though i enjoy it so much, i prayed today "god i'll try to quit smoking if you just let me feel better" sure enough i felt better and made it to the gas station, i got there and starting to get sick again in the gas station so i bent over and just let myself grieve, i went outside after holding most of my composure and made it to side of the building and sat in the shade, said a bunch of prayers for healing and god gave me enough energy to make it to the car where i put the gasoline in and proceeded to go home and tell about my AWESOME journey to my mother. by the way, she totally woke up naked and didn't even care i was there, i was like wow, what a comfortable woman to be naked in front of her own son, it was gross but also kinda awesome and open. I know that when i die people are going to read this, and well, i hope that they see that she is actually a great person with a lot of heart who cares a lot about people.

I think a lot about being old and stuff like that, and being in retirement home, it makes me think a lot about my personal future here on earth, but i sometimes think about heaven too, and i always fear hell because i deny my god a lot of times, and turn to sin instead, but i hope jesus will let me in, but i have come to realize it isn't me it is all up to him, i didn't makeheaven. i just experience it sometimes.

I need to buy a vinyl player and a couple of vinyls to start my collection. I live with my grandma and mother so I have no way of really buying anythign, I am completely broke and without any monetary value besides 0.24 cents in my suntrust account. i am glad to be away from it all where i can rebuild myself up to get out and tackle the world ahead of me, but eventually i know that I will be secure enough to get my own place, i'm excited about it, i want a room that's comfortable, with a nice cozy place to listen to music, perhaps get a dog, and a good enough job that will support me the rest of my days. and if i am lucky i will live long enough here on earth to experience old life, i just hope i don't have to be crippled or somethign liek that, i just hope to enjoy each day as a gift and not waste any of them.

but purity is going well, i am pure still, very tempted and very feeling as if the work i do isn't paying off but really i do believe we were ment to be pure, it's just kinda stupid i waited this long to learn how to put it into action, but i think alot of other kids are always told this or know this and have acted it out, you can tell they look the way they do because of how much testosterone and energy they release in sex, I myself am quite faggish due to all the masturbation i have done. I decided only about a week ago never to do it again, just failing makes me feel really loserlike and not to good on self esteem and stuff, so i use the lack of it to build myself into other things like intelligence and music and reading and gaining strength and knowledge, i don't kno what the future holds but i do know what i hold and i hold a good mind so far.

I wrote in a journal last night and it was about stupid stuff and well, the expression really helped my dreams blossom and they became much more vivid, i feel as if if i need to have sex, god will let me do it in my dreams, instead he doesn't want me acting out physically for it is harmful to everyone in the process, if it is a true sin i am very very very much a murderer and i need to repent a lot for i have commited adultery with millions of people. though i didn't actually commit adultery with them, i just watched them committing adultery with each other, still the sum of it all is murder. I don't want to be a murderer any longer, i am guilty, i hope jesus forgives me. I feel forgiven. i am also quite defensive on behalf of my sin, because, well, i don't like feeling guilty, so i am plannign on making new starts form here out, so I begin with wanting to build a vinyl collection. I want to stay single the rest of my life, it isn't really a want but a need i have been single all my life prior to now, i might as well stay it, no point in building myself up so a girl can just use me for herself, sometimes i feel like a loser, but it's all i got, is me, and what i have so i don't want to give it up for anything. but yeah, singleness isn't really bad, i mean I got t.v. and facebook and all the people i meet out on the streets and stuff, or at a gas station, i'm not really all too alone when it comes to terms of aloneness or isolatino, it's more like i don't want to share my life with another person, i would rather have it to myself where i can enjoy it as much as possible. and i think others should do the same. whatever, i don't care if i sound selfish, it's what works for me and probably for everyone else.