I keep posting and realizing that the days don't matter anymore, I'm staying pure the rest of my life and that's it, i just feel so good and confident and strong and really feel as if god will take me through everything, I got trapped down the road today because my car ran out of gas and I almost died cuz of heat, dehydration, lack of food and energy. I eventually mustered up enough energy to leave a note on my car begging for authorities not to tow it and I made it to the gas station where I bought a gas tank and gas (money i was supposed to buy groceries with) but sometimes you have to make choices in order to survive. I feel good, I feel like sex has really devistated my life in many ways i don't know and hopefully don't want to know cuz that would only bring about regret, but I do look forward to all i have in store in the future.
I have been listening to a lot of radiohead and I like them alot for some reason, i feel as if the lyrics are someone detrimental to my growth as a christian, but I feel strong enough in my faith that any anti-christ attitudes are only going to deminish the lies and fill me up with alll the truth i can muster. I don't know, but i do know that I am in very serious judgement with god and all i have is jesus christ as my hope. I hope he lets me into heaven, but aside from that, I do feel the need to express that i really want to get a lot of vinyls, a hope and want i have created and am going to keep on approaching, I just got a job dishwashing at a retirement home and i am excited about working there, although all my money will be going towards an accumulated debt of about 1,000.000 dollars i owe, i feel that I am going to pay that off relatively quickly and i'll soon have enough money to make it into my own apartment where i can start building a life for myself, i also intend on placing money towards a retirement fund for i will be retiring many years from now, but it's good to invest while i can, perhaps i will go to school for cooking and become a chef, i love cooking after all.
I feel that i should quit smoking, though i enjoy it so much, i prayed today "god i'll try to quit smoking if you just let me feel better" sure enough i felt better and made it to the gas station, i got there and starting to get sick again in the gas station so i bent over and just let myself grieve, i went outside after holding most of my composure and made it to side of the building and sat in the shade, said a bunch of prayers for healing and god gave me enough energy to make it to the car where i put the gasoline in and proceeded to go home and tell about my AWESOME journey to my mother. by the way, she totally woke up naked and didn't even care i was there, i was like wow, what a comfortable woman to be naked in front of her own son, it was gross but also kinda awesome and open. I know that when i die people are going to read this, and well, i hope that they see that she is actually a great person with a lot of heart who cares a lot about people.
I think a lot about being old and stuff like that, and being in retirement home, it makes me think a lot about my personal future here on earth, but i sometimes think about heaven too, and i always fear hell because i deny my god a lot of times, and turn to sin instead, but i hope jesus will let me in, but i have come to realize it isn't me it is all up to him, i didn't makeheaven. i just experience it sometimes.
I need to buy a vinyl player and a couple of vinyls to start my collection. I live with my grandma and mother so I have no way of really buying anythign, I am completely broke and without any monetary value besides 0.24 cents in my suntrust account. i am glad to be away from it all where i can rebuild myself up to get out and tackle the world ahead of me, but eventually i know that I will be secure enough to get my own place, i'm excited about it, i want a room that's comfortable, with a nice cozy place to listen to music, perhaps get a dog, and a good enough job that will support me the rest of my days. and if i am lucky i will live long enough here on earth to experience old life, i just hope i don't have to be crippled or somethign liek that, i just hope to enjoy each day as a gift and not waste any of them.
but purity is going well, i am pure still, very tempted and very feeling as if the work i do isn't paying off but really i do believe we were ment to be pure, it's just kinda stupid i waited this long to learn how to put it into action, but i think alot of other kids are always told this or know this and have acted it out, you can tell they look the way they do because of how much testosterone and energy they release in sex, I myself am quite faggish due to all the masturbation i have done. I decided only about a week ago never to do it again, just failing makes me feel really loserlike and not to good on self esteem and stuff, so i use the lack of it to build myself into other things like intelligence and music and reading and gaining strength and knowledge, i don't kno what the future holds but i do know what i hold and i hold a good mind so far.
I wrote in a journal last night and it was about stupid stuff and well, the expression really helped my dreams blossom and they became much more vivid, i feel as if if i need to have sex, god will let me do it in my dreams, instead he doesn't want me acting out physically for it is harmful to everyone in the process, if it is a true sin i am very very very much a murderer and i need to repent a lot for i have commited adultery with millions of people. though i didn't actually commit adultery with them, i just watched them committing adultery with each other, still the sum of it all is murder. I don't want to be a murderer any longer, i am guilty, i hope jesus forgives me. I feel forgiven. i am also quite defensive on behalf of my sin, because, well, i don't like feeling guilty, so i am plannign on making new starts form here out, so I begin with wanting to build a vinyl collection. I want to stay single the rest of my life, it isn't really a want but a need i have been single all my life prior to now, i might as well stay it, no point in building myself up so a girl can just use me for herself, sometimes i feel like a loser, but it's all i got, is me, and what i have so i don't want to give it up for anything. but yeah, singleness isn't really bad, i mean I got t.v. and facebook and all the people i meet out on the streets and stuff, or at a gas station, i'm not really all too alone when it comes to terms of aloneness or isolatino, it's more like i don't want to share my life with another person, i would rather have it to myself where i can enjoy it as much as possible. and i think others should do the same. whatever, i don't care if i sound selfish, it's what works for me and probably for everyone else.
I have been listening to a lot of radiohead and I like them alot for some reason, i feel as if the lyrics are someone detrimental to my growth as a christian, but I feel strong enough in my faith that any anti-christ attitudes are only going to deminish the lies and fill me up with alll the truth i can muster. I don't know, but i do know that I am in very serious judgement with god and all i have is jesus christ as my hope. I hope he lets me into heaven, but aside from that, I do feel the need to express that i really want to get a lot of vinyls, a hope and want i have created and am going to keep on approaching, I just got a job dishwashing at a retirement home and i am excited about working there, although all my money will be going towards an accumulated debt of about 1,000.000 dollars i owe, i feel that I am going to pay that off relatively quickly and i'll soon have enough money to make it into my own apartment where i can start building a life for myself, i also intend on placing money towards a retirement fund for i will be retiring many years from now, but it's good to invest while i can, perhaps i will go to school for cooking and become a chef, i love cooking after all.
I feel that i should quit smoking, though i enjoy it so much, i prayed today "god i'll try to quit smoking if you just let me feel better" sure enough i felt better and made it to the gas station, i got there and starting to get sick again in the gas station so i bent over and just let myself grieve, i went outside after holding most of my composure and made it to side of the building and sat in the shade, said a bunch of prayers for healing and god gave me enough energy to make it to the car where i put the gasoline in and proceeded to go home and tell about my AWESOME journey to my mother. by the way, she totally woke up naked and didn't even care i was there, i was like wow, what a comfortable woman to be naked in front of her own son, it was gross but also kinda awesome and open. I know that when i die people are going to read this, and well, i hope that they see that she is actually a great person with a lot of heart who cares a lot about people.
I think a lot about being old and stuff like that, and being in retirement home, it makes me think a lot about my personal future here on earth, but i sometimes think about heaven too, and i always fear hell because i deny my god a lot of times, and turn to sin instead, but i hope jesus will let me in, but i have come to realize it isn't me it is all up to him, i didn't makeheaven. i just experience it sometimes.
I need to buy a vinyl player and a couple of vinyls to start my collection. I live with my grandma and mother so I have no way of really buying anythign, I am completely broke and without any monetary value besides 0.24 cents in my suntrust account. i am glad to be away from it all where i can rebuild myself up to get out and tackle the world ahead of me, but eventually i know that I will be secure enough to get my own place, i'm excited about it, i want a room that's comfortable, with a nice cozy place to listen to music, perhaps get a dog, and a good enough job that will support me the rest of my days. and if i am lucky i will live long enough here on earth to experience old life, i just hope i don't have to be crippled or somethign liek that, i just hope to enjoy each day as a gift and not waste any of them.
but purity is going well, i am pure still, very tempted and very feeling as if the work i do isn't paying off but really i do believe we were ment to be pure, it's just kinda stupid i waited this long to learn how to put it into action, but i think alot of other kids are always told this or know this and have acted it out, you can tell they look the way they do because of how much testosterone and energy they release in sex, I myself am quite faggish due to all the masturbation i have done. I decided only about a week ago never to do it again, just failing makes me feel really loserlike and not to good on self esteem and stuff, so i use the lack of it to build myself into other things like intelligence and music and reading and gaining strength and knowledge, i don't kno what the future holds but i do know what i hold and i hold a good mind so far.
I wrote in a journal last night and it was about stupid stuff and well, the expression really helped my dreams blossom and they became much more vivid, i feel as if if i need to have sex, god will let me do it in my dreams, instead he doesn't want me acting out physically for it is harmful to everyone in the process, if it is a true sin i am very very very much a murderer and i need to repent a lot for i have commited adultery with millions of people. though i didn't actually commit adultery with them, i just watched them committing adultery with each other, still the sum of it all is murder. I don't want to be a murderer any longer, i am guilty, i hope jesus forgives me. I feel forgiven. i am also quite defensive on behalf of my sin, because, well, i don't like feeling guilty, so i am plannign on making new starts form here out, so I begin with wanting to build a vinyl collection. I want to stay single the rest of my life, it isn't really a want but a need i have been single all my life prior to now, i might as well stay it, no point in building myself up so a girl can just use me for herself, sometimes i feel like a loser, but it's all i got, is me, and what i have so i don't want to give it up for anything. but yeah, singleness isn't really bad, i mean I got t.v. and facebook and all the people i meet out on the streets and stuff, or at a gas station, i'm not really all too alone when it comes to terms of aloneness or isolatino, it's more like i don't want to share my life with another person, i would rather have it to myself where i can enjoy it as much as possible. and i think others should do the same. whatever, i don't care if i sound selfish, it's what works for me and probably for everyone else.
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