dreams:Mike sampson, Johnny, sean porter, hot blonde

I'm still pure,
I had a dream last night that i was with tom and jerico and we were joking about what mike sampson was saying. we used, well they used to always have these jokes based off of words and stuff that were used, they still do, it's really funny. and well... mike sampson kept saying somehting, like, "why is mike always word for word" "why is mike so literall" and jerico would laugh about it, the kind of laugh that just wanted to get others to laugh. I  kept trying to remember in the dream exactly what went on, but all i came to figure out was that all that mattered is that the experiences happened, i am thankful and have a good heart when looking back on those times. we were in some back of warehouse place, probably where we used to skateboard, and it was me tom and jerico, i don't remember anyone else, those were mostly the kids i spent time with when i was in my teenage years. I was a punk little boy I liked cool music and skateboarded, smoked ciggarettes, pot and did drugs. I wasn't in a dangerous place, but i was in a place where it supported my lifestyle.

I had another dream prior to this one and i had a girlfriend we met somewhere in the school i was in, i climbed up an elevator and eventually made it to the top, i was with a friend and while we traveled i met a sarah borum looking girl, we met and talked the other kid eventually dissapeared, after a while the girl and i hung out and went to my brothers house that was on a hill, and i got inside of the house with the girl and got to hang out with a cat, as i hung out with the cat, it followed me around and became very attached to me, which is wierd considring cats aren't like dog's, i remember thinking, oh, shit, this isn't my dog or cat, and i can't keep it, i ended up moving next door into a shitty little hosue, there were others there and the girl was stillwith me, by this time she was hanging on my back like a back pack, she turned into the sexy blonde girl and was really good looking, she was in the corner with me just hanging out and i turned to her and she began to cry about something, lightning shaped from her and i imagined why she was upset, it seemed intentional for her to cry but eventually i found out they were real tears, the best i could help was just to look her in the eyes and wonder, i didn't attempt to comfort her or anything like that cuz i used my brain to instead. I ended up gonig from there to the car with jerico, or a party with them.

Somewhere in between this mess i turned from hanging out with Katie Cascio who put on a lot of make up and turned into Sarah Borum look a like, I went from place to place and it is interesting how the transitions took place, for instance i went from... also i saw a kid i went to highschool with in roanoke, at first he was hunter barnes and he showed me a "king of limbs" t-shirt he had, i was stoked on it and asked if i could have it knowing he wouldn't give it to me. I was with my g.f. at the time while we visited, and i saw hunter and his dad talking, they lived in the shitty house next door underneath my brothers, While i was in there katie and i hung out eventually we went outside and there we met a lot of other people, the atmposphere was dark, like a  trailer park at night, thuogh i wasn't afraid i had a lot of emotions of apprehensiveness and prudenceness, I along with others and eventually i saw erin, galen, and levin inside of a radiohead album, where my mom introduced them as some chicks. I for once saw them as girls, it was odd... we made a tank out of like sand and kitty litter and as we produces it it actually had a real plastic frame, I remember the boy was the one who gave us the incentive to complete the task, he was one of those boys who always wanted to be lifted up, though he knew there was no point and when the time would come, he would lift others up to do things without a point, such as building a tank out of kitty litter and clay, I saw him inside while he was sleeping, it's cool to see that he was at first hunter but changed into another boy. I saw him and smiled a huge smile as i left and went to the uphill route towards my bro's house. I remember with my bro it was always stand off between him and i and his wife was like a bag he bought at the store. or a piece of sale item, there wasn't any real soul in the house, besides the kitties and i always wanted to take em with me though i had no way of taking care of it. as i walked into the house, the cats always swarmed to me, some in particular and i remember trying to get rid of it, though i loved the attention, I couldn't just get rid of the cat. I ended from there to a pool where a sexy blonde with the best body was swirling around a pool on a paddleboard and was followed by even better lookign girls, somehow i got to sit next to the first blonde who all of the boys were very hyped about, when i sat with her, she made tears that looked like lightning bolts and here eyes were shaped like such, i think she came from the trailer park place i was at... "i also had another dream about being in roanoke once, it was I'm not in the mood to type anymore. I want a ciggarette, and food for my stomatch hurts. I also had a lot of times in dreams last night with different bands, and Sean Porter had a party in fact two or three, and he never invited me to any of them. i do remember though he came out with this AWESOME zylophone/keyboard solo and it was the most epic solo i had ever heard and then he welcomed everyone to his party. it was at a kroger and there were these apples everywhere, i kept eating this apple/grapey fruit all the time and people kept looking at me as if i wasn't supposed to be there, And i am pretty sure i wasn't but i was really hugnry, the idea of the party was that you could eat anything in the store and get whatever you wanted as sean and like katie mcguire were the leaders in the music revolution. I can't remember much but i'll say i jsut went from there to tom's car where we talked about mike sampson, and i just listened to the two laugh. It was great.

THOM YORKE

I keep posting and realizing that the days don't matter anymore, I'm staying pure the rest of my life and that's it, i just feel so good and confident and strong and really feel as if god will take me through everything, I got trapped down the road today because my car ran out of gas and I almost died cuz of heat, dehydration, lack of food and energy. I eventually mustered up enough energy to leave a note on my car begging for authorities not to tow it and I made it to the gas station where I bought a gas tank and gas (money i was supposed to buy groceries with) but sometimes you have to make choices in order to survive. I feel good, I feel like sex has really devistated my life in many ways i don't know and hopefully don't want to know cuz that would only bring about regret, but I do look forward to all i have in store in the future.

I have been listening to a lot of radiohead and I like them alot for some reason, i feel as if the lyrics are someone detrimental to my growth as a christian, but I feel strong enough in my faith that any anti-christ attitudes are only going to deminish the lies and fill me up with alll the truth i can muster. I don't know, but i do know that I am in very serious judgement with god and all i have is jesus christ as my hope. I hope he lets me into heaven, but aside from that, I do feel the need to express that i really want to get a lot of vinyls, a hope and want i have created and am going to keep on approaching, I just got a job dishwashing at a retirement home and i am excited about working there, although all my money will be going towards an accumulated debt of about 1,000.000 dollars i owe, i feel that I am going to pay that off relatively quickly and i'll soon have enough money to make it into my own apartment where i can start building a life for myself, i also intend on placing money towards a retirement fund for i will be retiring many years from now, but it's good to invest while i can, perhaps i will go to school for cooking and become a chef, i love cooking after all.

I feel that i should quit smoking, though i enjoy it so much, i prayed today "god i'll try to quit smoking if you just let me feel better" sure enough i felt better and made it to the gas station, i got there and starting to get sick again in the gas station so i bent over and just let myself grieve, i went outside after holding most of my composure and made it to side of the building and sat in the shade, said a bunch of prayers for healing and god gave me enough energy to make it to the car where i put the gasoline in and proceeded to go home and tell about my AWESOME journey to my mother. by the way, she totally woke up naked and didn't even care i was there, i was like wow, what a comfortable woman to be naked in front of her own son, it was gross but also kinda awesome and open. I know that when i die people are going to read this, and well, i hope that they see that she is actually a great person with a lot of heart who cares a lot about people.

I think a lot about being old and stuff like that, and being in retirement home, it makes me think a lot about my personal future here on earth, but i sometimes think about heaven too, and i always fear hell because i deny my god a lot of times, and turn to sin instead, but i hope jesus will let me in, but i have come to realize it isn't me it is all up to him, i didn't makeheaven. i just experience it sometimes.

I need to buy a vinyl player and a couple of vinyls to start my collection. I live with my grandma and mother so I have no way of really buying anythign, I am completely broke and without any monetary value besides 0.24 cents in my suntrust account. i am glad to be away from it all where i can rebuild myself up to get out and tackle the world ahead of me, but eventually i know that I will be secure enough to get my own place, i'm excited about it, i want a room that's comfortable, with a nice cozy place to listen to music, perhaps get a dog, and a good enough job that will support me the rest of my days. and if i am lucky i will live long enough here on earth to experience old life, i just hope i don't have to be crippled or somethign liek that, i just hope to enjoy each day as a gift and not waste any of them.

but purity is going well, i am pure still, very tempted and very feeling as if the work i do isn't paying off but really i do believe we were ment to be pure, it's just kinda stupid i waited this long to learn how to put it into action, but i think alot of other kids are always told this or know this and have acted it out, you can tell they look the way they do because of how much testosterone and energy they release in sex, I myself am quite faggish due to all the masturbation i have done. I decided only about a week ago never to do it again, just failing makes me feel really loserlike and not to good on self esteem and stuff, so i use the lack of it to build myself into other things like intelligence and music and reading and gaining strength and knowledge, i don't kno what the future holds but i do know what i hold and i hold a good mind so far.

I wrote in a journal last night and it was about stupid stuff and well, the expression really helped my dreams blossom and they became much more vivid, i feel as if if i need to have sex, god will let me do it in my dreams, instead he doesn't want me acting out physically for it is harmful to everyone in the process, if it is a true sin i am very very very much a murderer and i need to repent a lot for i have commited adultery with millions of people. though i didn't actually commit adultery with them, i just watched them committing adultery with each other, still the sum of it all is murder. I don't want to be a murderer any longer, i am guilty, i hope jesus forgives me. I feel forgiven. i am also quite defensive on behalf of my sin, because, well, i don't like feeling guilty, so i am plannign on making new starts form here out, so I begin with wanting to build a vinyl collection. I want to stay single the rest of my life, it isn't really a want but a need i have been single all my life prior to now, i might as well stay it, no point in building myself up so a girl can just use me for herself, sometimes i feel like a loser, but it's all i got, is me, and what i have so i don't want to give it up for anything. but yeah, singleness isn't really bad, i mean I got t.v. and facebook and all the people i meet out on the streets and stuff, or at a gas station, i'm not really all too alone when it comes to terms of aloneness or isolatino, it's more like i don't want to share my life with another person, i would rather have it to myself where i can enjoy it as much as possible. and i think others should do the same. whatever, i don't care if i sound selfish, it's what works for me and probably for everyone else.

Day 8 Radiohead:In Rainbows

I feel good, I am feeling a lot more positively about being pure, I still have a lot of residue and I am still a big sinner, but I am working on it. 1 Thessalonians 4:3-4 pretty much talks about abstaining from Sexual Immorality is God's will for your life. I am slowly putting this truth into action and taking heed to the call. I appreciate things better, my self-control is becoming stronger and when I think about things that are naturally wanting me to punch someone in the face, I feel that I would be better able to control urges while being celibate and Immaculate in Sexual activity, or in other words without it.

I feel my face becoming clearer in the mirror, I like what I see more often when I look at myself. I have been getting some urges to feed my desires but I don't and I thank myself every time I don't. I have a lot of energy that usually gets put into thinking and enjoying intellectualism like creationism, science, and different televised education programs. I am better able to reflect on the thoughts and think about how the world was made and just use my brain for entertainment on other levels rather then exasperating all my energy into fantasizing and producing an orgasm, which i am guessing uses a lot of energy, which is why a lot of people are quite fag in their stature, they put all their energies into expelling them into sex. I think of it as my life force, libido and creative drive, by harnessing it and capturing it i can bottle an extreme amount of potential and use it for greater things, and it is god's will for my life, so it's like God gave it to me for this purpose, possibly?

I am still looking for jobs, when I was on the streets the other day, I didn't think about sex, but I prayed and sought out God a lot, mostly for comfort and protection, also to see him better, I think about Going to heaven and pearly gates and it might be that he will send me to Hell, but I am holding onto the confidence that I am forgiven and already a member of heaven, it's a good thought and I think if you hold onto that you eventually will live up to it in every way, which is why the forgiveness of Jesus Christ is so revolutionary, it doesn't have condemnation in it. God accepted me the way I was, but he didn't leave me where I was, he LOVES me enough to take me further and correct all that I had incorrect and transform me into a better person who can love more, better and better able.

If I were to talk to someone about being pure from sex, I would want to tell them that it isn't an easy idea to get through the minds of people, you have to believe it is what you want inside of yourself before you express it to the world, because a lot of it will fight you the whole way, not wanting you to be pure.

My past experiences have given me a lot of thoughts that the world hates my purity and will do anything to destroy it, and in very keen, cunning ways it has happened. A lot of my experiences in Holiness and attempting to be pure and right with God were very thwarted by the constant battle with masturbation, I look back and think of masturbation as a sort of protective shell that was keeping me in myself and self centered for protection from something, I am not sure what but it was a way of God keeping me with himself and I only.

But now, I am very aware of others and becoming much more non-self centered and it is an affect of being pure,  I can relate better to others, think of others more, and I have a lot more energy, I also get to see peoples hearts instead of looking at them as pieces of meat, or myself as a piece of meat.

I still have a lot of residue with my sexual purity, I am not always pure but I do try my best to be it, I know I am not right with God, but I do know that in his time he will make all things new and train me into what he exactly wants me to be, as it is written, I am not what I shall be, I am being made new, I am a new creation in Christ Jesus.

I love music, I listen to it a LOT, I find more beauty in it, I have a lot more love for others, my "ID" as Freud would say is being changed into a life force which I use for Love. I use my Love to express all my soul through whatever medium it may be, and my soul is a lot more colorful being pure. I feel a lot more sacred and I don't feel worn out or faggish, I feel like the purer I get the stronger I become, better able to face any battle, I feel that I am being strengthened, knowing I won't fail.

I am more aware to my body, and becoming much more SOUND in thoughts, attitude, reflection, self analyzation, I feel I am becoming something for a big cause. I use to dream a lot about self denial and self sacrifice for God, I used to dream about Martyrism and how it would be such a battle to have to literally die for something you believe in. If these thoughts are true, and I am called to be a martyr for God, I have to remember it would be a privilege and I would be rewarded in Heaven, and that God wouldn't call me to do anything I wouldn't be able to do, he will help me through anything he puts in my way, knowing I can accomplish whatever it is.

When I am alone, I am much more at peace, and am filled with more abundant Joy, when I eat, I am filled with more Joy, when I do things, I am filled with more joy and confidence. When I apply for jobs, i am much more confident and know that if I don't get the one I want, I'll just keep looking, I don't feel to defeated nor do I think I will break, I am thinking and trying more of enhancing and fixing my body, by stretching, eating right, and being healthy, it isn't a strive but more of a natural reaction, I am more aware of my sacredness as a being made from the earth with life breathed into it from God, and I am much more aware of the life around me that the maker and being in the whole atmosphere is in everything, I think much more about spirits and spirituality and how there are other forces guiding us, it may even be evident in the fact of the polar forces at work in our earth. I think about the possibilities of life beyond me and earth, the more I get holy and into the form god created me to be, like a little child who doesn't have sexual desire, I can dream, wonder, and think with truly great thoughts. I don't have to be depressed and my emotions are much more healthy, I get sad, I think the thoughts through and I come through to the other side of where it is supposed to be, I don't bottle of feelings or emotions but rather process them as they happen, same with the sexual ones, I let them happen, but do not have to act on them and in that way itself I am being healed, maybe when I gave into them, I was actually causing more pain than if I just let them happen and moved on passed them.

Sometimes it gets hard, the feelings get overwhelming and very powerful, and I feel like I have to "let off some steam" but, I like this analogy, "If you are filled with a lot of steam, why not become a strong steam engine..." in that fact lots of our industry was built and powered. Who knows, maybe eventually you might change your energy into a more powerful, like coal, then gasoline, then eventually nuclear energy, then eventually you, I can become a powerhouse of power and strength, all by harnessing the power god naturally gave you that a lot of people waste with porn, sex, media and indulgence. Indulging all the time is just as bad as killing yourself, you trade your humanity for a piece of meat.

I am becoming sacred, holy like, and very organic, and I love it.

Day 7

I am working hard at staying pure, I still smoke ciggarettes and I have refrained from sex, I don't feed any Sexual appetite, and it's been really good so far.

I got kicked out of the house I am living at because I brought up the idea that the Conviction I was given about me watching porn wasn't true and they really didn't know what I was watching. I was angry and felt like they were trapping me in something to condemn me somehow. I ended up confronting them and got kicked out. I now am back at the house after a day of being out on the streets, and well... IT SUCKED. I haven't been so uncomfortable and lost in a long time, I prayed a lot and eventually God led me to some great people who advised me to ask for forgiveness and come home. So I did. I also learned how important Eye Contact is, and how much people are turned off if you don't give it to them.

I haven't had many urges, but I do feel like it boost's my ego by not having sex, like i have this bubble inside of me that expands, especially around others. I am a very sexual person, though I am not. it's like, deep inside, I know Sex isn't really important, especially for friendships, but I do know that with my wife, If I were to have one, I would remain celibate before marriage, in hopes that it would create a better sex life for the rest of my life, with the one person I was intended to have it with.

I feel Good, I am looking for a job so hopefully I can channel my energy in my job search direction. I am reaching upwards for strength and promise that I am called to be Sexually abstinent and pure as it is God's will for my life.

I didn't think much about Sex while out in the baking florida heat, but rather I thought about shelter, jobs, money, water, food, ciggarettes, Love, and togetherness, Sex was the least of my cares and if it were the first, I do not think I would survive, especially if i wasn't purely just using it as a tool to suck off of the person giving to me. Maybe a lot of people have sex with others, because they need something from them and the only way that person will give it is by Sex, and even after they don't give.

I don't think a lot of  people like me, especially when I am not giving into my temptations, I think they assume that I am full of ego and stuff or whatever, I just sense this feeling of disdain when I meet people and it is really discomforting on my goals, but there are a lot of things that WE HUMANS don't talk about, especially in society, so I could not bring this up for fear of me looking stupid, fear of others feeling stupid, fear of risking relationships, I don't say things because they can damage myself, and others. I want to build people up, and put a stone in them, GOD. not only to build them up then break them down, but build them up with a structure that will last.

I think a lot about other things when sex isn't a priority on my list, like Major things become more important and least important things because trivial. and the trivial is just there because it's for your entertainment.

Day 5

I am on
DAY: 5


Of my journey out of Sexuality, I am feeling really good and strong right now, I am also very tired. So I am going to go to sleep after this. I am finding a lot of differences in my attitude towards life.


I see people differently, It's like Sexuality and giving into sex really makes the lenses that you look through life smudged and fogged. I can see clearly now the rain is gone would be a good song to describe the difference between purity and being sexually active. I have been tempted a lot to feed sexual thoughts, I have been denying them and I can feel instead of them being harnessed in my pubic area, the feelings of intimacy and love instead move more towards my heart rather than my penis. In other words, I have a greater love for people and I feel better capable of being the person I was created to be.


I haven't been tempted much with any sexually explicit media, mostly because I didn't watch a lot of mainstream t.v. today, but I am sure next time I do it will be much more of a temptation to think sexual thoughts.


I wanna hold conviction on the argument that C.S. Lewis used when talking about morality and sexuality. He noted a contradiction to the phrase "Feeding your Sexuality is just like feeding your stomach, everyone needs it to survive..." This is a sad theory, considering all of the problems that are associated with sex including; Retardation, S.T.D'S, a long list of negative things like, Murder, Envy, Lieing, that are associated with what the bible has to say about sex, and it is in direct contradiction to what the bible say's in 1 Thes. 4:3 "It is God's will that you should be sanctified: Avoiding any Sexual Immorality." If the bible be true, then even feeding a sexual desire prior to marriage would be acting against the will of God, our Father, Maker, and Creator. So where does this leave that theory? Well, Lewis spoke out against it claiming that If it be true, then why aren't there Porn for Food's like there are for Sex? well there is it's called the Food network, but besides that, I do believe that it is good to be Holy, for it is written in the New Testament, and much in there isn't harmul whatsoever. So where does it leave me?


I know for fact that much sex can lead to a person being "Fagged", worn out and just lazy. Feeding your sexual desires leads to poor health, negative self image, and just general poor association with the world around you, you become self-centered. In my argument that being "Pure" and "Holy" especially in the areas of Sexuality, which I am most concerned with... Paul and apostle for Jesus Christ the Son of God wrote this in Galations 5:19 "Now the works of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity, depravity, 5:20 idolatry, sorcery, hostilities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish rivalries, dissensions, factions, 5:21 envying, murder, drunkenness, carousing, and similar things. I am warning you, as I had warned you before: Those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God!" I can say that living in sexuality, I have experienced a good vast majority of all of these, and I can agree that if Sex is what caused these things are true, but it is labeling  one thing another, like why is the earth here? Because God made it of course! in parallel, Why did I only become friends with a clique? Why was I angry? Why did I do drugs? Why was I insecure? Why did I have a poor self-image? Why did I hate modern people? Why did I have so much hatred? To be Honest, it was me bowing down to Satan any and every time, similar to now when I do the same thing and if I sin again, the same equation will play out.


I do find that living without sin as much as possible is a very hard life, that usually ends in failure, but... IT is rewarding attempting. I have gotten stronger as I stayed pure, as I marched forward attempting to break any addictions I have held, I did grow. Right now, I am tempted with Sex, Lawlessness, and Gluttony mostly. I smoke ciggarettes, I honestly don't enjoy them much, and they are something I am quitting from here on out as well. I vow not to, though it is written, "don't make a rash promise to God you will later regret" I do believe God understand my heart and looks past my words, I hope he will give me what I need rather than what I ask, especially if it be selfish.


I hope as I move on, I will be leveled in my temptations and that I can look through life in a clearer scope. I also hope and pray that I will be much more sound and whole as my body reworks itself out into it's natural shape and way of working. I do know that I haven't made a bad decision to be pure the rest of my life, let's just hope it isn't a bad Promise, after all, I am lucky to be alive today. I pray that when I get in Heaven, God will overlook my relapse's and failures. as hillsong said "A thousand times i've failed, still your mercy remains, should i stumble again, still i'm caught in your grace", the bible also says, "when you live a godly life, even your enemies will be at peace with you."


I am getting back on my path towards Godliness, I am quitting smoking, attempting to avenge my old self and be all I can, as Good and Perfect as possible, God's help all things will happen. I feel closer to God the more pure I remain. I will stay on the Path, only because God wills it, I am alive only because God wills me to be.

Radiohead

Day: 3 w.o.

I've been tempted a lot today to be Sexual, but I am not repressing the thoughts and actions, but rather just admitting them and giving them up, I don't have to feed them, so I don't and plus I am supposed to be pure, so giving into them would be denying my True nature of what I am supposed to be like.

The more I don't give in to them I become like a big fire hydrant getting ready to explode, but I gotta stay positive about it, if I feel like it is too much pressure, then I'll give up on myself, and I already made the decision to stay pure MY WHOLE LIFE. So I am going to stick with it. I'll suture up eventually, I think open sexuality is like a wound that needs healing, and it takes time to heal, so I am not hoping for anything Soon.

I just got done watching Radiohead: The King of Limbs (from the basement) and it was an awesome show, their music sounds just as good if not better live. I find a greater appreciation for art and stuff when I am pure, with a defiled heart, it's just mambo jambo, but I see things clearer. I've been thinking a lot more, and my thoughts are much more active, my self-image and self attitude is also greater and more powerful, I do feel like I can do anything right now and be anything.

I need a job, maybe I can fuel my energy towards getting one, it's also sunday, I've been waking up real late, I need to get my sleep cycle back on track. I also need to do a lot of things, Like get into school if I am going and get all my stuff from my ex-roommate.

5:12 A.M.

I keep seeing that people who grow up as footballers are much different in their attitudes, philosophies, and ways of holding themselves than those who grow up as PUNKS, or SKATEBOARDERS.


God's will for my life is to be Sexually Abstinent.


So, I see I grow up as I stay pure, I don't have a feeling of being under people, I actually feel equal, or superior to people, especially those opposing my views and idea's. I get much more consecrated in my own views and way's of view's, I hate it and love it, Love because I am confident in what I know, Hate it because I may know all that's is wrong, and I am becoming very CONCRETE in what I view and think, but I talk and take in a vast majority of views, the goal is to continue, therefore I can become sure of what I know, and confident in what I know to be TRUTH.


Yeah, so I haven't been tempted much today, Honestly, I haven't been stimulated much, Sex hasn't been much in my life today, well, yesterday, but I haven't slept yet. I view myself in Stage 1 or 2 again.


I feel good being pure, I feel strong, I feel confident, I feel on top of the world and that I can take on a lot of the challenges that will be thrown my way. I hope that I can handle all I do. this confidence is good, considering Paul said "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" Phillipians 4:13

"Before children, even the most cynical people throw down their usual masks and become capable of feeling the purity and love which all human beings seek."- Sun Myung Moon 


"It is astonishing what force, purity, and wisdom it requires for a human being to keep clear of falsehoods." - Margaret Fuller 


I don't care what anyone say's, I am grateful for who I am and for the upbringing I had, no matter what it entailed, it made me who I am and what I am is full of it, Full of Love. Any Love I have, I attempt to give it to those who need it.